Hey, Jealousy!

(and social media)

Photo by Earl Wilcox on Unsplash

I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationship between jealousy and social media, especially after my last post. Everything I was saying that I hate that I do, in my own feed, when I ask why I hate it…I think it’s about jealousy. I think I recognize that what is often called “curation” can, theoretically, be used in the same way we talk about curation of an art gallery. Sure, theoretically, we could use our social media feeds to curate beauty or feelings around a theme. But that’s now how I use it, I don’t think. I think I’m curating…jealousy.

I’m not necessarily doing this consciously. That said, if I really dig, I have to admit that it’s not entirely SUBconscious, either. I want to look cool. I want to look like I’m super smart and interesting. I want to look like someone living a full life full of action packed events you wish you’d been at. I definitely want to look in control and attractive. In that vein, at earlier times in my life, I curated hilarious “oopsies” that were me trying to look adorable and goofy. I’ve even tried to look sexy, despite the fact I’m essentially a corgi.

I have really tried.

If this is the case—if many of us either consciously or unconsciously are trying to curate jealousy in our feeds—then that means I get jealous looking at other people’s feeds. And I know I do! “Why am I not in Barbados?” “Where did she get those shoes?” “I want to look that happy all the time!”

I’ve been thinking about this as a reason NOT to use social media, and I do think it is a valid one. I know (from reading the studies!) that use of social media does create feelings of inadequacy in people, especially young people.

But I’m thinking through a few things, here. I’m curious about (a) whether it’s entirely a bad thing when I feel jealousy in regards to social media and (b) whether there’s a way to use something like instagram and NOT engage in Project Jealousy.

In regards to (a), I know from other parts of my life that jealousy does not have to be a negative thing. I live a life that actively invites jealousy. I’m an academic, which is a career that is famously rife with petty jealousy (see: Richard Russo). I am a writer, and writers are famously jealous assholes (my favorite unhinged writer-jealousy example is Mark Twain’s irritation with Jane Austen, although there are too many to name *cough, Hemingway, cough*). And I practice polyamory, so wheeeee jealousy.

In navigating these spaces, I know that my jealousy usually has little to do with an actual threat (which is what jealousy feels like, in our bodies). It really has to do with an issue that I need to work on. For me, it’s almost always self-worth. The minute I feel jealous, the coping mechanisms I learned as a child tell me that here’s the proof I’ve been looking for that I really am a worthless piece of shit, and I’ll be fired/everyone will realize I’m dumb and talentless/I’m going to be dumped because everyone should be disgusted by me.

It’s a fun voice. My therapist wants me to it as a small child in need of love, and I insist on seeing it as a gremlin. I am working on this.

Anyway, mentally talking through my jealousy with myself usually means I can get down to that self-worth issue, and then I can start to employ the tactics I’ve used in therapy to self-soothe.

But in our podcast season about anger, I read a book that also talked about how envy and jealousy (which, a la Brene Brown’s latest book, aren’t the same, but are close cousins), can be another type of compass. Besides pointing us inward, to things we need to work on, they might point us outwards to bigger goals.

In other words, if I’m jealous of someone, why? What do they have that I want? Then I ask myself the questions Sonya Renee Taylor tells us to ask about whether this “want” has been sold to me by capitalism and is based on made-up deficiencies. If it is, I’m like “you know what, that ______ looks amazing, but I’m not using my money to pay for that when I could use it for something more important to me.” But sometimes it’s not! Sometimes my jealousy/envy is telling me I really want or need something. Maybe that I really want to improve this hobby or some part of my career, or that I really want to pursue a new goal, or that I really need to have a conversation with a partner or friend because I’m not feeling great about something going on in our relationship.

I guess I’m asking myself if I’m losing out, by not *occasionally* checking in with my social media. Because maybe I can figure out a way to do (b), and use social media in a way that’s not, basically, curating my insecurities. And it is nice to have photographic evidence of fun things I did, especially as I have the memory of a squirrel, and using social media usually means I actually take photos.

It wasn’t made for me, but could I make it work for me?

Or maybe it’s just a pocket casino giving money to jerks, at least in its current incarnation.

Thank you for coming to my pointless and random TED talk. ;)

Feel free to share your thoughts and we can ramble together.